This paper reflects my personal connection to the short story “The Yellow Wallpaper” by Charlotte Perkins. I related to the suffocating isolation that Perkins presents within the woman in the short story.

My Yellow Wallpaper

In the short story The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins readers are told the experience of a woman and an expressive wallpaper. The story tells one of a woman who was cast away into isolation through neglect. As a result she entered a state of mental imbalance which led to a psychotic breakdown. The Yellow Wallpaper represented what the woman was actually suffering from, which was isolation. It seems to symbolize the cage she herself feels trapped in. My Yellow Wallpaper was my stress from home. Despite the love and gratitude I feel towards my family and home, I fear that the stress could have caused irreversible damage to my mental health. The main sources being the lack of space, the overbearing responsibilities and infiltrating expectations. To cope with the stress faced within my home I focus on what it is I can control thus, making me feel in control. 

  I would appreciate having my own space and privacy as it can be suffocating, and a bit annoying, having to share my space all the time. I have shared a room my entire life. This has led to an unbreakable bond between me and my little brother however, we have both had enough. Having to face the self identity crisis that is puberty is enough on its own, imagine having your little brother sitting shotgun to it all. Somehow managing that with both of us coming out alive, I am now entering a new life defying chapter of my life which is adulthood. I need the space, quiet and time to figure out what it is I really want in life as well as who I really am. Such a delicate process should include some privacy outside of the bathroom. To create a full picture I shall include that I am the child of five siblings in a single mother household of a one story apartment. The possibility of me having one area to myself – my bed sometimes included (little sister)- is close to nonexistent. I cannot control that I do not have my own space. I do however find control in this situation with the system in place with my belongings in the room. I give myself a sense of order by keeping my items in order.

I have no problem with handling my responsibilities, I encourage rules and systems to create a well functioning home which benefits all parties. That being said, there is no system here. When it comes to inevitable chores around my home such as cleaning and laundry, there are no guidelines to follow. This creates several disputes within my family. As I am older, I do not shy away from tasks such as cleaning after myself and doing my own laundry. It is when I, and my little brother as we both share the burden, have to take care of things for the entire household that I get a bit unmotivated. I would gladly set up a system of my own however that is not my place. My mother is the head of the household and its sole provider. She prioritizes more urgent responsibilities than setting up a system at home. The lack of control I feel in regards to the state of my own home can be overwhelming however, I once again find out what part of the situation that I can control and focus on that. A while ago I decided to voice my opinions with my siblings who are home most often and among us we made our own small system. It may not be to the extent that I may like however, it keeps me much more content than having no system in place at all.

Along with my personal responsibilities, I am also given responsibilities over my sister. Let me say that the responsibilities did not go into full effect until after my father’s passing which was in May of 2019. I, before the pandemic, was to get my sister ready for school every morning and get her there before 7:30  in the morning. After that I myself had to get to school before 8 o’ clock. As of now I must awaken to be ready for remote learning by eight when I myself do not even have classes that early. I did not mind this as I knew it was one of my father’s prior responsibilities. As time progressed however, the responsibilities became overwhelming. This also came with helping her with homework, making her meals, and making the household dinner. I feel that this long list of daily obligations at times puts strain on my relationship with my sister, as I feel all I do is cater to her, however that is not her fault. Neither me or my sister can control that things must be done differently now so there is no one to blame. I have chosen to utilize all of the time we are together as an opportunity to bond. This way instead of hindering our relationship, I am instead working towards improving it. It is cautious decisions like this that make all the difference.

When it comes to expectations, I feel this the subject that reaches to me the most emotionally. I want to make those around me proud. However some expectations, I know I am not the only one to feel this way, can be quite overbearing. I overtime had to tell myself that just because something is expected of me, does not mean it is something I have to live up to nor should it be something I am defined by. My mother has at a time or two scolded me for not living up to her expectations. Though it is something that we have discussed and solved for those specific matters, I still feel that she defines me for the expectations she has of me. I sometimes feel misunderstood because of them. However, I do not want this to create a gap in our relationship. She has every right to expect things from her child and I have every right to not reach those expectations, to have my own for myself. I just do not want it to bridge our relationship. Making sure that I address my mother about these concerns really helps us better understand one another. I can tell her when I feel burdened or uncomfortable with her ideas of how I should be and she in return gets to express why it is that she has those expectations. 

I feel with the feelings expressed I can say that my home causes me stress. Stress may be a common feeling among most people however, if constant can lead to mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression. Despite my constant stress at home I have responsibilities to uphold to help my mother. As a result, I had to learn how to manage my stress. The article How to Manage Stress by the National Association for Mental health suggests doing so by managing your external pressures and developing your emotional resilience. “Although there will probably lots of things in your life that you can’t do anything about, there might still be some practical ways you could to resolve or improve some of the issues that are putting pressure on you.” (page 11), An example of this concept I have shown is taking control of the things I can. Implementing small systems where I can, gives me a sense of order. “Practice being straightforward and assertive in communicating with others. If people are making unreasonable or unrealistic demands on you, be prepared to tell them how you feel and say no.”(page 12) As before, I have shown how I have executed this step. I continue to have conversations with my family regarding any stressors in the home and discomfort that I face. Applying these concepts to my life at home has helped me feel less overwhelmed. 

I had to learn how to cope with my yellow wallpaper. I love my home, the relationships that I have with my family are ones that I cherish. There are times where it can be being mentally challenging due to strains on my relationships and overwhelming responsibilities.  With the bigger picture of helping my mother in mind, I had to educate myself on how to manage my stress. I take control of what I can by implementing systems where I can and speak up for myself when necessary. At times I may feel trapped, but I know that there is a sensible way to get out by going over the things I have learned.